Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!
Diary of a CEO episode: Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes! | Vanessa Van Edwards
Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of ‘Science of People’, which gives people science-backed skills to improve communication and leadership. She is also the bestselling author of ‘Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People’ and ‘Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication'.
In an episode of the Diary of a CEO, Vanessa discusses a range of topics: profile picture mistakes, power of hand gestures, mastering awkward introductions, and much more.
Let me save you three hours and give you the golden nuggets:
The Hidden Language of Cues for Success (2:13)
“Highly successful people speak a hidden language, and that is the language of cues.”
Top 3 Profile Picture Mistakes Revealed (15:40)
“The only true indicator of happiness is when these cheek muscles are activated.”
Avoid the Upper Whites: Showing too much of the upper whites of your eyes can signal anxiety.
No Asymmetrical Smiles: A one-sided smile (contempt expression) unintentionally signals negativity and fosters scornful feelings.
Authentic Smiles Only: Activate your upper cheek muscles for a genuine smile—fake smiles are detectable and don’t spread positivity.
The Power of Hand Gestures (part 1) (41:50)
“I think the hands are the windows into the soul.”
Hands Build Trust: Visible hands signal openness and safety, reducing unease and fostering connection.
Gestures Enhance Communication: Highly charismatic speakers align gestures with words, making their messages more impactful.
Gestures Drive Success: Viral TED Talks average 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes, showing how dynamic gestures captivate audiences.
Vanessa Van Edwards on the Power of Hand Gestures (part 2) (44:58)
“Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words.”
Gestures Enhance Honesty: Humans naturally align gestures with speech, making congruent gestures a strong signal of authenticity.
Engagement Through Movement: Dynamic gestures make communication more engaging and help hold attention, even during lengthy talks.
Confident Speakers Gesture More: Frequent gestures signal expertise and openness, while less confident speakers often minimize movement.
Master Power Cues for Charismatic Influence (58:52)
“The ideal amount of eye contact is between 60 and 70% of the conversation. If you make over 70% eye contact, it's actually considered a territorial gesture.”
Steeple Gesture: Rest fingertips together to form a triangle—signals competence and calm. Avoid drumming fingers.
Relaxed Shoulders: Keep shoulders down and away from ears to project confidence and reduce nervous energy.
Targeted Eye Contact: Lock eyes at the end of key points for emphasis. Aim for 60–70% eye contact to avoid awkwardness.
Unlocking the Power of Lower Lid Flex (1:04:43)
“When someone is trying to really focus on something and really understand something their lower lid is flexed.”
Focus & Engagement: A lower lid flex indicates that someone is really trying to understand and engage with what you're saying. It’s a powerful sign of active listening.
Addressing Confusion: If you notice someone’s lower lid flex, it could signal skepticism or confusion. Address it immediately to avoid miscommunication and maintain confidence.
Improved Connections: Recognizing and responding to the lower lid flex can enhance your understanding of others, making interactions more meaningful and helping you build rapport.
Mastering Awkward Introductions (part 1) (1:25:03)
“This is permission connection: you ask someone that question, you are giving them permission.”
Avoid "What do you do?": Instead, ask "What are you working on that's exciting these days?" This shows interest without belittling the conversation, allowing the other person to share what they’re passionate about.
Ask About Goals: "What's your biggest goal right now?" This question reveals a person's mindset. If they don't have goals or can't articulate them, they may not be a good fit for growth-oriented conversations.
Explore Self-Narratives: Ask "What book, movie, or TV character is most like you, and why?" It’s a deeper question that reveals someone's self-perception and personality in a meaningful way.
Vanessa Van Edwards on Mastering Awkward Introductions (part 2) (1:28:21)
“You're never at the end of the movie.”
Self-Perception Revealed: Asking "What TV or movie character is most like you?" uncovers how people see themselves, offering new perspectives and deeper connections.
Ongoing Journey: Life isn’t about reaching an “end”; true fulfillment comes from the freedom to pursue meaningful goals.
Authentic Vulnerabilities with Vanessa Van Edwards (1:52:05)
“Own your authentic vulnerabilities.”
Embrace Imperfection: Authenticity is key—don't hide your vulnerabilities, like spilling a smoothie or coffee, as it helps you connect better and disarms others' expectations of perfection.
The "Other Shoe Effect": Research shows that small imperfections during interviews or dates can make you appear more relatable and trustworthy. It prevents the interviewer from overanalyzing your flawless performance.
Personal Branding Balance: While personal branding is important, avoid extremes. Don't overemphasize imperfections (deficiency promotion), nor focus solely on promoting your ideas. Find a balance that feels genuine and intentional.
To watch the full podcast, click here.
Golden Nugget
Mastering nonverbal cues—like authentic smiles, hand gestures, and eye contact—can greatly enhance communication, building trust and engagement. Authenticity and vulnerability, like embracing small imperfections, further strengthen connections and foster relatability.
Discussion Questions
Power of Nonverbal Communication: Vanessa mentions that gestures can significantly impact communication. How do you use body language (such as hand gestures or eye contact) in your professional interactions to build trust and engagement? What gestures do you consciously avoid?
Self-Perception and Personal Branding: Reflecting on the question, "What TV or movie character is most like you, and why?"—how would you answer that for yourself, and what does your choice reveal about how you see yourself in your career or personal life? How can this awareness impact your personal brand?
Creating Authentic Connections: In what ways have you noticed that revealing small imperfections or personal stories has helped you build stronger relationships with colleagues or clients? How do you balance authenticity and professionalism when doing so?